Old Men and the Wonders of "Natural" Gas

Ever heard the phrase, “old and farty”? It’s kind of a cliché, maybe even a stereotype. Ok, I know we’re not supposed to stereotype people, but it seems to me that stereotypes become stereotypes for a reason – don’t they? In any case, as I get older, I definitely get gassier, and I’ve got plenty of Medicare-card-carrying friends in the same boat.

So, being a good engineer (I’m old, not feeble), I determined to make the best of the situation. I know the following is a bit of a smelly proposition that could get blown out of proportion, but hear me out.

All mammals are flatulent, but old men seem to be especially afflicted (this may in some strange way be related to the dietary preferences of old men). The primary gas in mammalian flatulence is methane, which, by the way, is odorless and tasteless (it’s those nasty trace gases like hydrogen sulfide that offend), and methane is a wonderful source of energy. It burns cleanly and is an efficient fuel. It can be used directly in vehicles or it can be used to make electricity.

So, isn’t it obvious? Old men are our greatest untapped natural resource!

All we need to tap this resource are local and regional gas collection centers. Many of the details have to be worked out, but some of the salient elements of these centers would be:

• an abundant supply of beer, beans and Mexican food, nicely complimented with an onion soup appetizer;
• a comfortable setting (Lazy-Boy recliners come to mind) to facilitate high level discussions of sports, the way things used to be, war stories, and the unfathomable complexity of feminine wiles and attributes;
• large TVs and a complete set of John Wayne movies – high level discussions can be debilitating and require periodic down time; and
• a built-in central vacuum system strategically located in the seats of the recliners.

Being the selfless patriots that we are, I predict that most of us old men would agree to provide this service to our fellow man in exchange for a nominal honorarium, say a wide screen LCD with a premium subscription to Direct TV.

Think of the benefits!

• To national security: no more dependence on foreign oil, and a permanent supply of low cost energy.
• To the economy: the proceeds from the sale of the methane could be used to bail out Social Security and Medicare and return them to solvency.
• To male senior citizens: enhanced self esteem resulting from the productive use of a heretofore constant source of criticism.
• To spouses of male senior citizens: what can I say, the benefits are inestimable!