Humor: Annual Physicals

16 October 2008

I think we can all agree that, for many years now, the cost of health care has been increasing at a rate many times higher than the CPI; and, the out of control increase in the cost of heath care is a systemic problem that affects every sector of our society.

My dedicated, if not extensive, research has determined the following major reasons health care costs keep increasing so fast: 1) engineers keep inventing ever more effective and expensive medical testing equipment; 2) plaintiff’s lawyers are deeply and personally committed to never letting a potential malpractice lawsuit go un-filed; 3) doctors keep ordering expensive medical equipment tests in order to protect themselves from malpractice lawsuits; and, 4) annual physicals.

Since we have plenty of politicians willing to address the first three reasons, I will limit my comments to annual physicals. The scientific and statistical bases for the following comments are a little suspect, since the evidence is admittedly anecdotal and based on a pretty small population: me. In other words, the science and statistics are generally comparable to the widely proclaimed charges that global warming, teen pregnancies, reality TV, and Tom Brady’s ACL injury, are all caused by George Bush.

Ok, here’s my case. I recently went to see my family doctor for a simple annual physical. I walked in as a perfectly healthy man in his mid-sixties. I hobbled out as a decrepit old man with several new ailments, two new prescriptions, and appointments with no less than five specialists. A month later, I have been X-Ray’ed, MRI’ed, CT’ed, Edoscopy’ed, had enough blood drawn to save a battalion of wounded Marines, and I’ve had one surgery and I’m scheduled for another. The surgeries may be quite minor, but they more than make up for their lack of complexity by being very expensive. All told, these office visits, medical procedures, tests, and surgeries cost approximately 2.73 gazillion dollars – all because I had an annual physical. I rest my case.

All of the pain, inconvenience and expenditures that have been visited upon me the past several weeks beg the obvious question, “Is it all worth it?” Sure it is. I have been assured that, provided I keep having a few hundred or so procedures each week, I can expect to live for up to 20 years. Otherwise, I can expect to die within two decades.

If I ever completely recover from this bout of “annual physicalitis”, I figure it will have robbed me of months of blissful unawareness, most of my dignity, and hundreds of zillions of dollars in co-pays alone. My fellow dotagers, it’s time to stand up to this terrible insult to the chronologically challenged! Fight the good fight, rise up and let the world know that we are united on this issue. If we must be subjected to annual victimization, then we must also be spared the humiliation of having to do it in front of our friends and neighbors. Petition medicare, doctors, insurance companies, and our families, that, if we must have an annual physical, then have the decency to conduct it on an Annual Physical Cruise (the Cruise Lines will no doubt jump at the chance to inaugurate “Annual Physical” cruises). The highlight of Annual Physical Cruises will be a certification that we will receive the finest care by highly trained caregivers, bartenders, waiters, and masseuses, and we will be guaranteed excellent physical evaluations in a comforting and supportive environment. Best of all, this superb medical care can no doubt be delivered by the Cruise Lines at a fraction of the present cost!

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